I can't explain how hard it is to try and let something go when I don't know how. Yes, I've prayed for God's help. Yes, I tell people I'm letting it go and giving to God...but am I really? I don't feel at peace. My heart is in turmoil all the time. I see mommas walking around with their babies and my heart breaks. I see a pregnant woman and I wish that were me. Sometimes I walk aimlessly around the baby section at stores.
Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a momma. I felt God calling me in that direction and I couldn't wait. Jared and I talked about having kids a few years into dating...granted it took him 2 years into our marriage for God to truly open his heart to the idea. And now I feel like I'm letting him down. I know its nothing either of us can control, but since its my womb I feel responsible for not becoming pregnant. I want so badly to act nonchalant, like this doesn't bother me and I know it will happen for us when God's timing is right. But I'm doubting that...does that mean I'm doubting God? No. I know deep down in my heart that God has given me this passion and I don't think He would do that and not give us the gift of a child...but I can't help thinking it will never happen for us. And I don't want to focus on that fear, but I don't know how to stop.
I'm at my low point. I'm depressed, sad, a little angry, but mostly just restless from waiting. Lord, help me to rejoice in the place you have me now...help me to enjoy the waiting and preparation of becoming a momma. Steer me in the direction of your plan for my life. Lord, please hold my broken heart in the palm of your hand...comfort me and bring me peace.
- T -
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
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