Wow, I never thought I'd be one of those "blogger" types! That being said I have always communicated better through writing and thought I'd give it a try. I am not a huge fan of Facebook or MySpace but needed some creative outlet, so here I am. I make no guarantees that my postings will be grammatically free of errors. I tend to type faster than my brain thinks! I also need some way to get out my frustration, anger, sadness and joy (on occasion!) through this crazy process of infertility.
We've been trying to conceive for over a year now with no luck. After nine months of trying I was put on a fertility drug, Clomid. What Clomid does is force me to ovulate regularly, which I was not doing once off birth control. But, I am now on my sixth cycle of Clomid with no luck (so far). Doctors will give you six trys on Clomid and if it doesn't work by then, it won't work for you. I was talking with a new friend this week who is going through a similar process and we discussed the frustration of living our lives in two week increments. i.e- have period...two weeks later I should ovulate...two weeks after that either find out whether I'm pregnant or not...if not another two weeks to start all over again. It sucks...that's all I can say about it. And although I love my friends I am tired of hearing...just wait it will happen to you or I completely understand. Honestly, unless you've gone or are going through infertility, you have no idea what its like. The ups and downs, ready every little twinge of your body hoping for some pregnancy symptom. It also doesn't help when everyone around you is getting pregnant, whether they want to or not. I am so excited for my friends who are having babies...really I am. I'm afraid people won't want to tell me when they're pregnant now! My first thought is always how happy I am for them...but it always leads into feelings of sorrow, jealousy and frustration. I must admit that I usually go home and cry. I can't help it...after 14 months of trying I'm tired. Tired of getting poked at the doctors office, tired of buying every known brand of pregnancy or ovulation test, tired of being sad or let down...just plain tired.
But, although this is a rough time in our lives...I try to keep a positive outlook. I know we are extremely blessed at where we are in life. We have great jobs, great friends and family...we just have this hole in our hearts for a child. God has been so good to us and I refuse to be angry about our situation (although I have my moments). There is a reason, He has a plan for our lives...but I'm a control freak and want to know the reasons why now. I search for little things...am I not pregnant b/c of my taking a new job? Or is something going to happen to Jared's job and that's why God is waiting? I find myself screaming at God "Why not now? Why not this month?" and getting no response and I focus on God's own words...
- T -
Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
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