Nothing Like I thought

Being pregnant is nothing like I thought...or I guess its better to say that I don't feel the way I thought I would. I have been extremely blessed with an easy pregnancy, no sickness and a healthy baby...and I don't take any of that for granted. I know how lucky I am.

Please don't mis-understand what I am saying...I love being pregnant and feel blessed everyday that God would entrust me with this amazing little life...I just don't have the elated feeling I thought I would. And I feel like a bad mom for not being on cloud nine every day. As hard as this may be to believe...I feel so disconnected from this baby....yes, the one that is inside me, attached to me and kicking me like crazy! How is that possible??

I think some of my feelings stem from not knowing the sex of the baby. I can't call the baby "he" or "she". It is either "it" or "the baby". I can't picture the adorable little face, the color of his/her eyes or hair. I am emailed pictures weekly of what our baby looks like at this stage of the game and it just feels so alien to me. And we are back to square one with names. I'm terrified that this baby will be born nameless. Jared & I just can't agree or we'll think we have the name figured out and a week later decide that it doesn't fit. There is too much pressure coming up with a name...not to mention coming up with two!

I have enjoyed watching my body change and have not been overly upset with the weight gain, I know its for good reason! But when I lay in bed at night and see my belly move and jump it doesn't seem real. I can't tell which movement is a punch or a kick...I have no idea which direction the baby is laying in, no idea where his/her head or heart are. And I'm an emotional basket case (poor Jared)...I've been grouchy and mean lately and of course Jared takes the brunt of it. I know he can't understand how I'm feeling or why I'm acting emotional and I can't even start to explain it to him and I don't want to blame everything on being pregnant, although I'm sure its just the hormones!

I love this baby more than anything and I am so excited to meet him/her in 112 days...but I also wish I could change the way I'm feeling right now. I hope its just emotions as I get into my third trimester and it will pass...I pray that it will.

- T -